Fickle Humans, Fickle Life

IMG_0727I kind of don’t understand the fickle human I am sometimes.

Like I have learned how to be vulnerable, why to do it and the support it brings and yet….

I don’t wanna do it all the time.

I have learned the pattern of my mood and know when it severely drops and what I need to do in order to feel the emotions and move forward and yet….

I still want to act on negative behaviors that will numb me out EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT AN HOUR LATER ALL THE NEGATIVE EMOTION WILL COME BACK BETTER THAN EVER :):):)))

I also have had therapy for years & because of that know myself pretty dang well and yet….

I still pretend I don’t know myself.

I have learned and even accepted that there is no “silver bullet” or miracle drug or genie that will dance and “fix” me and yet…

I am the number one hunter of that silver bullet, the number one scientist of creating that miracle drug AND want that genie to be a Diet Coke.

I have learned that I cannot place all of my hope that a certain event or friendship or whatever will make me 100% happy and yet…

I still put that on everyone I meet or dance around in my head of how I can’t wait for it to happen.

I just think that as a human being we learn, we grow and we come to know things and yet we still don’t feel that it is enough because it is not a complete answer or “cure” for the pain or trials of life.

For myself, I learn and then I know but then the knowing is not enough so I search, go back to old harmful habits, then learn and know again.

The process repeats itself again and again. Just a couple of years ago, I would of sworn that God or my parents would have been so angry with me because of this or that I was never going to have love or be deserving of it because I’ve been given the same chance over and over again like 500-billion times.

But now (because of learning and knowing) I am more sure that God is like “here we go again, lemme get some popcorn to watch her do this and improve little by little until one day she sees herself the way I see her, knows herself the way I know her and begins to love herself the way I love her.”

Life is hard. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish that just sitting in my emotions would just cure the mental distress or that a smile from a friend would erase it or whatever BUT I have realized that love or mercy does not “fix us”. It heals us.

I will never be fixed in a way that erases all that I have been through or takes away what I am facing because that is not the way it is supposed to happen (no matter how many times I bribe). Healing is a grueling long process that does not happen overnight but over a lifetime. It happens by redoing that process again and again and by never giving up. Hopefully and disdainfully, I’ll get to keep going through it again and again and one day truly see myself and know myself with the grace and mercy I so freely give to others. All whilst drinking that diet coke along the way.

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