7 years.

Today marks 7 years since choosing to be in recovery from my eating disorder and to choose a healthy life living with a mental health disorder instead of being a servant to it.

HUZZAH.

PRAISE GOD.

HOW DA HAIL HAVE I MADE IT.

Honestly.

I didn’t really know if I should even celebrate it this year because of the things that have happened since last July 5th.

Last year when I celebrated 6 years, I hadn’t acted on any of my ED behaviors in…. dun dun dun 6 years.

Buuuut this last Fall, a lot of trials came my way and emotions that I physically and mentally felt I could not deal with so I gave into my ED and other negative behaviors.

And I gave in and gave in and gave in and gave in x 1000.

So much so that I had to go back to treatment at the Center for Change in October 2017 to regain some motivation and strength to keep going.

I got a new therapist (who has LITERALLY helped save my life) and met some of the strongest women I know.

After going back to the center, things didn’t get easier.

They got way harder.

And way harder.

And way harder.

Then in January of this year a pivotal moment happened for me where I literally hit a rock-bottom emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I just wanted it all to be over.

But I realized that I had the ability to choose. I could choose to keep living in this cycle or I could choose to not to live a life like this anymore.

I didn’t want to live a life of negative cycles where I kept spinning and spinning.

I wanted to live a life where I had the choice of where that spin was going to go.

SO. I went to a new psychiatrist who has helped me tons.

And I’ve messed up with my ED since again and again and again and again x 50.

BUT 50 is less than 1000.

I totally know math. Thank you Brigham Young University.

These past two years and ESPECIALLY last six months have been brutal but I have again realized that radical, scary storms can teach us things like nothing else can. And I can say I am extremely grateful for that.

Do I still struggle? Duh.

Does my mood still drop like a champ? Of course. I am the MVP of that.

Does my anxiety and OCD pump me up? Sure. Maybe. No? Yes?

Did I not want to celebrate my 7 years because I felt like a failure and messed up? yeah yeah yeah.

BUT I have realized that this 7 years in recovery isn’t celebrating me being perfect at it but celebrating the resilience I have been able to cultivate to get through it and celebrating the people who have helped me endure and pick me up each time I fall.

Because of that, I am definitely going to party.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Bambi Condrey says:

    I love love love love you. I celebrate you every single day. Keep on rockin’ you beautiful thing, you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mama Stols says:

      Dude you’re the GR8EST.

      Like

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