Today marks 7 years since choosing to be in recovery from my eating disorder and to choose a healthy life living with a mental health disorder instead of being a servant to it.
HOW DA HAIL HAVE I MADE IT.
I didn’t really know if I should even celebrate it this year because of the things that have happened since last July 5th.
Last year when I celebrated 6 years, I hadn’t acted on any of my ED behaviors in…. dun dun dun 6 years.
Buuuut this last Fall, a lot of trials came my way and emotions that I physically and mentally felt I could not deal with so I gave into my ED and other negative behaviors.
And I gave in and gave in and gave in and gave in x 1000.
So much so that I had to go back to treatment at the Center for Change in October 2017 to regain some motivation and strength to keep going.
I got a new therapist (who has LITERALLY helped save my life) and met some of the strongest women I know.
After going back to the center, things didn’t get easier.
They got way harder.
And way harder.
And way harder.
Then in January of this year a pivotal moment happened for me where I literally hit a rock-bottom emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.
I just wanted it all to be over.
But I realized that I had the ability to choose. I could choose to keep living in this cycle or I could choose to not to live a life like this anymore.
I didn’t want to live a life of negative cycles where I kept spinning and spinning.
I wanted to live a life where I had the choice of where that spin was going to go.
SO. I went to a new psychiatrist who has helped me tons.
And I’ve messed up with my ED since again and again and again and again x 50.
BUT 50 is less than 1000.
I totally know math. Thank you Brigham Young University.
These past two years and ESPECIALLY last six months have been brutal but I have again realized that radical, scary storms can teach us things like nothing else can. And I can say I am extremely grateful for that.
Do I still struggle? Duh.
Does my mood still drop like a champ? Of course. I am the MVP of that.
Does my anxiety and OCD pump me up? Sure. Maybe. No? Yes?
Did I not want to celebrate my 7 years because I felt like a failure and messed up? yeah yeah yeah.
BUT I have realized that this 7 years in recovery isn’t celebrating me being perfect at it but celebrating the resilience I have been able to cultivate to get through it and celebrating the people who have helped me endure and pick me up each time I fall.
Because of that, I am definitely going to party.