I honestly feel like I am going to explode sometimes with the dialogue/emotions/daydreams/anxiety that runs throughout my body.
Everyone will always ask “well, where is it coming from? What’s the starting point? Find that and it will all go away.” Welllllll, I WISH I knew what the starting point was, it would be friggin’ grand if there was one, but I feel that that “starting point” of where my emotions begin or where they come from is like me going to a rave, getting stuck in a mosh pit of 100 people in a 10 ft. by 15 ft. room, where everyone in said mosh pit is over 6 feet tall, trying to dance to a song by Enya & someone trying to find me through an apple sized hole in the wall.
It’s impossible and I would never do it.
My black and white thinking would LOVE for me to believe that if such a starting point existed, I could find it, get rid of it and then I would be perfect and everything would go away.
But alas my dears, ’tis not so. I have to word vomit the dialogue and emotions inside of me before I can even grasp what is going on with me and not be overwhelmed.
Like these thoughts I have been having recently:
I have felt super sad lately, like pain in my chest sadness. Which is normal but then instead of being kind to myself, I will be hard on myself for being sad because I have good things in my life.
I have hated the way my body looks lately and have torn it apart in the mirror and then I’ll get so angry at myself that I am even having bad thoughts about my body & think that I am a failure for not learning to “love it enough” by now.
I hate being on social media and how it changes my thoughts of what I “want” in life and how it affects me but I’ll go ahead and still get on it. And yes, you’re correct young padowan’s, I will then proceed to beat myself up for being on it.
I am stressed trying to find an apartment for grad school in NYC (actually just the thought of moving out there right now gives me mad anxiety, where my diet coke or spoonful of Nutella at to soothe my soul and wipe them tears?) , trying all these different ways to try to find at least SOMETHING but nothing seems to be working out so I get down about it by beating myself up because something must be wrong with me.
(I wish I was the problem because honestly it’d be a hail of a lot faster to fix, #nawwhatImsayin).
BUT. THEN. I do it again. I beat myself up for not “trusting” God enough or life enough that it will all work out, telling myself that I am not enough or doing enough.
I am also sad about turning 27 alone. In Vegas. But before that emotion even sits I get angry at myself for even having it because I am surrounded by good people and I am “selfish” to even feel such an emotion.
I am sad because I feel left alone by God, feeling absolutely nothing at times. And as that feeling takes residence I immediately tell myself that I am an idiot because He has been there for me before and I am “ungrateful” now.
Basically, I am exhausted.
I am not being kind to myself.
I am an internal, 24/7 WWE fight that no side will ever win and with horrible wardrobe and commentary.
It’s okay that I feel sad. It’s okay if I mess up. It’s okay that my eating disorder recovery isn’t linear. It’s okay that I feel sad because I am alone. It’s okay that I feel stressed in finding an apartment. It’s okay if I do feel abandoned by God.
It’s okay to have hard emotions. To get mad, to get sad, to have a “why me” for a quick second.
I am a human being. It’s going to happen.
It’s okay for me to then pick myself up, see the good, say kind things to myself and, guess what, STILL feel sad and push forward.
That is life.
It is not black and white. It’s a grayish cloud we’re all learning how to live with and see through.
My mind/emotions can and will be sporadic, as is what I am writing but c’est la vie ya girl don’t care. Or do I? I probably do and will beat myself up later for caring 😉
In the sporadic there can be found balance of some sort and that’s what I am aiming for.
Namaste. I need my Diet Coke or Nutella now.