****this is something ya girl wrote like almost two months ago but I’ve been thinking about a TON lately.
Yesterday was my second to last day working. I was super bummed but I had some way rad spiritual experiences that I’ll explain later. I had to keep reminding myself that even though I loved the crap out of my job, my quitting was a good thing for me in the long run. And honestly, I just had to trust the peaceful feeling I had instead of thinking that the whole world was going to end.
I had a really good therapy session with C-money (name has been changed because he’s too cool) on Monday. I prayed beforehand to know what God wanted me to work on and it was way cool because He answered. I had the thought about sharing how I obsess and have rapid thoughts about any close relationship I develop. This happens because these relationships are so vulnerable to me and I don’t want to get hurt. I would escape into my head and have rapid thoughts about how “everything was perfect”. I never got “hurt” in this world I created and didn’t need outside relationships to be vulnerable since I had this escape. I have done this since I was a little girl. I remember escaping into my head as young as five years of age.
SOOOOO when I brought it up with C-money, I was nervous that he was going to judge me and say “you a crazy girl” but instead there was absolutely no judgment and just plain ol’ empathy, like always. He helped break it down for me. Basically he asked me the question of “who is the god of that world you created in your head?” And I totally owned up to how I (ME MYSELF AND IIIIIIIII) was the god of that world. It was/is safe. Then he went into how my “ideal” self in the world I created, I would never measure up to because HI-LOW Emily, you are not ever going to be perfect. He then went on to explain that when I don’t reach that “ideal self” I immediately go black & white in my thinking and believe “well if I am not this perfect, ideal self then I am obviously a mistake, worthless, disgusting, not worthy of any good thing, etc.” Da hail. Everything is wrong with that thinking.
You see, C-money taught me that in reality, both of those “selves” are not true. The REAL me is someone that does make mistakes but is also fueled with a log of different strengths. This really helped me to see that I need to focus on the “me” here and now and believe that none of those things are true. It was like this huge lie or myth I had been telling myself my whole life was suddenly proved wrong right in front of me. Like a Myth Busters episode gone right. People might have been telling me this over and over again, but I think now it hit me because my heart was actually opened up to believing it.
In my last treatment team at work they have this tradition of everyone going around and saying one word that described me and why. Everyone said something really nice and I got emotional but IT IS WHATEVS. Anyway, as I was driving back home after it, I was thinking about what my friend Janay had told me of how I needed to give myself space so that I could actually feel what God felt about me, specifically. I literally didn’t understand what she really meant. More I was just frustrated and I remember thinking, “GURRRL DO YOU NOT THINK THAT I HAVE TRIED THAT.” But to be honest, I didn’t even know how to do it. How do you give space from believing or listening to that old, negative cow –like voice in your head?
Anyway, fast forward to when I am driving home after my last treatment team and it just hit me. Like if a friggin’ pigeon just hit my windshield, that’s how fast. It hit me about all of the positive strengths I do have and the positive influence I have given at work. I just had so much peace that it would all work out and all that I had done at New Haven was enough. Then it just came to my mind about when I lived in S. Carolina I never thought I was enough. I was so hard on myself on all the things that I could’ve done better. How I could’ve loved more, done more, etc. But in the moment of those thoughts, I had a feeling of peace wash over me that I had been enough and I was enough even though I didn’t feel that way once while I was out there those 18 months.
I remember being in Myrtle Beach and someone I worked with told me that God and others were proud of me and that I was doing more than enough, and that my efforts and desires were pure. BUT right when he said that, I got this pit in my stomach that this dude “didn’t know”. He didn’t know all the mistakes I had been making, how I was coming up “short”. I didn’t give ANY SPACE to feel that what he was saying was true because I was always thinking about what I did wrong. But on this ride home, 2.5 years after I had come back from S. Carolina, I just felt this peace that everything I did there was and had been enough. Those many days and nights of praying to know if I was enough and if I had done enough were felt 2.5 years later and only for a few short moments while driving in a Honda civic down a freeway. This happened because I had finally given space in my heart and to trust it was true.
Of course, a couple hours after this experience my anxiety decided to come into play and tell me “da hail. You know that isn’t true.” BUT I am choosing to believe and trust that it is. I have realized that the world is so dang loud and the more you heed the loud voices, the harder it is to allow God to speak (or your inner self, whoever you believe in) and for you to actually hear. I’m still training my ears to hear the more divine voice over the worlds and I will continue to do so because those few short moments of intense peace and feeling of worthiness was/is worth the hundreds of times being on my knees, praying to know I was.