You know, I can for sure say that 2017 was a rough, hard, shitty, refining year for me. Bless up. I actually felt ALL of my self-hatred. I didn’t understand how deeply rooted that self-hatred was/is. I didn’t numb out and because of that my emotions seemed to drown me when I let them in and I fell into a ton of negative behaviors. Which led to me having too many anxiety attacks to count and I felt like my suicidal ideation was going to overcome me. I harmed myself in many different ways because I felt like I deserved it, not realizing that these rapid thoughts, insomnia fueled manic nights could be because of my mental illness and not because I was “crazy”. I felt disconnect and anger towards God and also felt shame in my relationship with Him. I fell back into my eating disorder, went back to the center for change and my heart just felt/feels so broken.
Needless to say, this had definitely been a “becoming” year for me. But even though the negative experiences seemed to outnumber the good, the good experiences definitely outweighed the bad. Tessa, Lauren and Janay became some of my most safe and best friends. I grew in confidence at the treatment center I worked at and became more confident in who I truly was. I realized that I am strong enough to sit through my emotions and rapid thoughts, no matter how negative, overwhelming and suicidal they were and I could still survive and actually live a beautiful life. I also met so many incredible girls (that I have EVER met in my whole entire life) at the treatment center I worked at and know it was no coincidence for me to have met them.
You see, little by little I began to again see the love & guidance, spiritually, in the details of my own life and the miracles coming to pass. It was not a coincidence that my therapist, Chris, just started working at CFC TWO weeks before I got there and it just so happens that he’s the exact therapist I need. It’s no coincidence that I felt I needed to quit my job (not out of anxiety, I LOVED LOVED my job) so I could move forward to new challenges, really see what I needed to work on in my own recovery. It’s no coincidence with who my roommates are, having to work at New Haven that bittersweet/tender mercy/ heart breaking March day, and that an experience over the summer triggered an episode. These are just a handful of things that have shown me to trust in God and my intrinsic divine voice for my future instead of what my anxiety and fears are telling me to do. I truly need to trust. I need to jump out of the damn boat again and again and again.
Like today, I woke up with a tightness in my chest and my heart just hurt. I felt overwhelmed and had so many urges. I felt disgusting for what my body looked like, felt paralyzed by fear and despair, etc. You know, the usual drama shmama my mental health likes to throw at me. Holla at me again sometime, OCD and ED! Y’all just can’t seem to get enough of me, stalkers. But, I can say that I pushed myself. I went and ate dinner and got ice cream with friends. Did I feel better after? Um, no. I still wanted to get rid of what I ate and crawl into a ball BUT the fact is that I did it. I faced fears and overwhelming emotions. And tomorrow I will get up and do it all again because I am learning how to trust.
P.S. this outfit I made myself wear because my ED thoughts told me not to. WHATEVS.