Dear adult me,
Why am I never enough?
It doesn’t matter what I do. I like what they like. I absorb their emotions, like forgotten sponge in the sink, and feel them as my own. I do it all and it is still never enough.
They still talk about me, they still belittle me, they still physically hold me down, they still use me.
Will I ever be enough?
They choose the boys I tell them I like and the boys I like choose them. Distrust has become my way of being. I am waiting for the floor to drop beneath me each time my vulnerability takes hold with someone new (friend or crush or both).
When I’m thinner, will it finally end? Will I finally be enough? Will they choose me, stay faithful? Will they care about me, ask me how I am, genuinely? Will they finally remember me at the bottom of the sink?
If I continue to make myself smaller, will they notice? Will I finally be enough? Will I finally disappear?
What is it about me that I attract these kinds of people?
When can I finally shout, rage, get angry? When can I finally scream,
“JUST F&!KING LOOK AT ME! SEE ME!! KNOW ME!!”
I’m in pain. Floating alone in the dark.
If I’m perfect for God, then will I be alright?
If I am spiritual enough, then will I be alright?
If I cut myself deeper, then will I be enough?
If I force my food up, lock the food away, disappear…then will I be safe?
Will I be deemed good?
Will I be finally worthy of someone actually seeing me, beholding me?
Will I?
Your younger self, age 15
Babblings by Anxiety's Elite 