What is even happening.

Life is interesting. One moment you think “alright, I think ya girl has got it” and the next you are thinking “what in the literal hell is this”. I, lately, have been having thoughts more leaning towards “wut the hell”.

It’s interesting that as a child, your mind and way of thinking, is just so simple. “If I do A + B then C will be the answer”. Or so it seems. I took that way of thinking first into my road of recovery with my eating disorder the same exact way. “If I do what they say, work in therapy, follow a dietary plan and reach out for support that will = RECOVERY YAY!!!!! You’ll never struggle with this again!!!”

But alas, tis not always so. No matter how many people on TikTok are dancing & telling me so.

It would’ve been 10 years this coming July where I would have celebrated going that long without acting on my eating disorder behaviors. Ten years. TEN. But almost 3.5 years ago the disordered thoughts got the best of me again because I realized I hadn’t really dealt with the core issues of what started them in the first place. I fell into the cycle of an “on-again/off-again” relationship with my eating disorder. Takes two to tango and my eating disorder(/anxiety/depression) would always invite me to dance and ya girl was always wanting to tango with it when it called.

“Yo, Em, you got bad body image? Let’s tango!”

“Heeeeyyyy gurrrl, looks like that insecure attachments coming up with this boy & you wanna run away? I AGREE. LET’S TANGO AWAY AND LEAVE HIM ON READ. Ur welcome.”

“Babe, babe. I agree, you’re not gonna do much with your life so let’s just dance it out and you won’t have to feel it anyway. It’s a gift, hashtag blessed bb.”

And one more.

“You’re having doubts and don’t want to face them?? Me neither!! Omg, we’re the perfect pair. Let’s dance until you’re exhausted but then I’ll keep making you dance because I am not exhausted but I want to exhaust you out and I won’t ever let you stop dancing because I don’t ever want you to feel and you don’t want to feel and this is fine and you’re actually not fine but I am going to keep dancing so you won’t ever realize you’re not fine and that you need me. Okay? Ok. This should work for a year.”

This past Fall I started tango-ing again and mid-dance sort of just shouted, “hell no, I hate this tango and my dance partner is a str8 up dick” (I said what I said). And went and got help through an intensive outpatient program while still going to school. I was embarrassed and part of me actually didn’t want to get help again, especially virtually. I didn’t feel as connected staring at some girls on the screen, whom I have never met and were ALLLLLL in high school. I also didn’t want them to know my age because I didn’t want to be that scary granny saying cynical things like those drug commercials “this could be you one day. JUST SAY NO.”

I realized though that part of my healing has to come from me being kind to myself and radically accepting that my path to recovery will always look different and is not black and white. I have to be kind to myself. HAVE TO BE.

It is possible to hold myself accountable and to love myself.

I can see where I need to improve AND dun DUN freaking dun, be kind to myself.

I can push myself to be vulnerable, mess up and a;lsdkfjei BE NICE TO MYSELF.

With National Eating Disorder Awareness week starting next Monday, I want to start it out by being real, owning where I am at and loving myself in the process.

SO cheerio until next Monday mates, where I will continue to be real and hopefully get to actually be in one of those “just say no” commercials.

P.S. Kids will never know about the D.A.R.E program and be forced to memorize that song by the police officers that come and teach you and I find that extremely unfair so I will make my children learn it one day for no reason. You’re welcome world.

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